The Straight Male Aspie’s Survival Guide to Dating, Part Six
Some people on the spectrum are sensitive to touch, or uncomfortable with physical contact. And many of those people still have sexual feelings. So if that’s you, what do you do?
Well, there are two different approaches you can take, and- if your partner’s on board- both are totally valid.
The first thing you can do is work around it. There are plenty of ways to have sex with someone without making physical contact. I know how weird that sounds, but it’s true. Some options are sexting (sending sexually explicit photos or messages via cell phone), cybering (same thing, but on a computer), phone sex (verbally describing sex acts on the phone), or watching each other masturbate. Have fun, be creative, and make sure you both talk about what you like and what you don’t like, and what turns both of you on.
Another option for those of you uncomfortable with physical contact is simply getting the hell over it. That’s what I did.
I used to be extremely averse to any kind of physical contact, and when I embarked upon a relationship for the first time in grade eleven, you’d better believe it was a problem. My girlfriend raised it as a concern, I told her I’d work on it, but I don’t think she believed me. We broke up a few weeks later.
But I did work on it, even after we stopped dating. I was coerced into appearing in my high school’s production of Fiddler on the Roof, and one of my best friends was also cast. Her name was Jo Macintosh, and I was crazy about her. Both of us had small roles, and so we spent most of our time hanging out together behind the stage, where the school’s music and drama departments were. Me and Jo flirted with each other constantly to fill up the time. Our flirting took on a physical component, ‘cause we were sixteen, bored, and hormonal. My costume- a long, black cloak, because I had been cast as the rabbi- had a button in the middle of the back of it for some reason. Jo and I had a game where she would attempt to touch the button and I would attempt to stop her.
With anyone else, this sort of physical contact would have been unbearable. But because it was Jo, I didn’t mind.
So don’t feel pressure to make physical contact. Have fun. Enjoy yourself. Physical contact doesn’t have to be sexual at first. Keep expectations low and move gradually. Start with a pat on the arm, perhaps, and move to holding hands. Or hugging. Or even something silly and goofy like a game of tag. And keep communication open.
What if you’re fine with some sexual activities, but not others? Maybe certain sexual activities which require less physical contact or less physical proximity are more pleasurable or less overwhelming. That’s fine, but you have to balance your needs with the needs of your partner.
We’re not going to get anywhere without being specific and graphic. So let’s get right into it. Let’s say you love blowjobs.
Let’s also say you’re touch sensitive. You’re able to get over the whole “somebody else’s face in your business” thing because of how much you fucking love blowjobs. It took some work, you gradually desensitized yourself and learned how to enjoy human contact, and now you’re getting blown on a regular basis.
First of all, good job.
Second of all, what’ve you done for her lately?
Maybe you hate the idea of putting your face in somebody else’s crotch, but if you’re receiving oral sex, you have to give it as well. Reciprocity is hugely important in a sexual relationship.
Don’t give me that “but I’m autistic!” crap. You got over your reservations about physical contact in order to receive physical pleasure. You can get over your reservations in order to give physical pleasure as well.
And if you make an honest effort, and you still can’t do it, then have a conversation with her. Talk to her about possibly taking oral sex off the table completely. Or perhaps you could reciprocate by doing something else- but it would have to be something really extraordinary. Like, we’re talking about you indulging one of those kinks she has that she’s never told anyone about because it’s really fucked up. Or perhaps you two can arrive at some other agreement or understanding. Communication is key. And remember that no matter how awkward the conversation becomes, you both want to get each other off. That’s the bottom line. You guys want to fuck each other so thoroughly and so excellently that you’re willing to have lengthy, uncomfortable conversations about it. That’s pretty goddamn hot.
I’d like to note for the record that the public school system utterly failed me when it came to sex ed. The vast majority of what I know about sex I learned from two- just two- sources:
-Dan Savage’s sex advice column Savage Love, and
I recommend these sources to everyone who wants to know more. Now, granted, they won’t tell you everything.
For instance, I want to provide advice on what people should do if they decide to pay for sex. And you’re going to have to wait at least a week for that, because I know a guy who knows someone who knows a lot about this, and I’m waiting to hear from them. That’s the best I can do.