Things That Occur to Me While Locked Out of My Apartment
1. I am retarded.
2. This might not have happened if I hadn’t woken up at 5:30 this morning after approximately five hours of sleep.
3. But who am I kidding, it probably would have (see #1).
4. I’m really pleased that I have access to wi-fi out here.
5. Seriously, I could just hang out in the hallway outside my apartment all day looking at porn.
6. I wonder if there are people in this building who do that? I haven’t seen anyone do that so far, but it’s a big building.
7. I wonder if the super would charge me money if I went downstairs and asked her to open my apartment for me.
8. I’m sure she’s a very nice person, but she comes across as cold. Apparently she emigrated to Canada from eastern Europe so her son wouldn’t be conscripted. That takes guts.
9. If she was in this situation, she’d probably knock the door down and then rebuild it herself in the course of an hour.
10. My elderly neighbour from across the way just walked past and entered her apartment. I wonder if she thinks I’m nuts.
11. Well, I can smell her cigarette smoke from the vent in my bathroom, so I don’t care what she thinks.
12. Sitting on my coat on the floor is more comfortable than you’d think. I’d still prefer a chair.
13. I have a lunch kit with an ice pack in it and some turkey and mashed potatoes. They’re for Hannah, who didn’t have Thanksgiving dinner this year. I’m wondering how long this turkey can go without refrigeration.
14. Can you imagine if I killed my girlfriend with food poisoning? After giving her a home-cooked meal? Would that make me the best boyfriend or the worst boyfriend?
15. My back’s getting a little sore.
16. I text messaged a bunch of people when this first happened, letting them know about my predicament. Nobody’s responded yet. They must not love me.
17. If my roommate’s in the apartment right now, I’ll chuck him off the balcony when I get in.
18. I should take this opportunity to return that library book I have which is due today. But I’m probably not going to, because I’m a bad person.
19. My ass is getting sore. I might have to talk to the superintendent soon. Or at least walk around the block.
20. Would it be weird if I went over to Hannah’s place and hung out in the lobby? There are some really comfortable chairs over there, and tenants hold the door open for anyone.
21. Tenants hold the door open for anyone here as well. That’s how I got in the building without keys. I don’t know whether to find this heartwarming or disconcerting.
22. I’m glad I don’t have to go to the bathroom.
23. Of course, now that I’ve thought about that, I’ll probably have to go to the bathroom.
24. Maybe people don’t respond to texts. Maybe I should start phoning people.
25. Or I could just spread out in the middle of the fucking hallway and take a nap. After all, I only slept five hours last night.